Lucy Shows … That NEVER WERE!

Original Post Date on AUGUST 2002
This list came about when I was working as freelance copy chief at Martha Stewart’s monthly catalog in the early 2000s (then called Martha By Mail). I got my best friend, Craig Hamrick, a gig at the catalog for a week or two. Sitting at our computer stations in her vast downtown loft office space, which was decorated for the winter holidays at the time, Craig remarked, “Wouldn’t it be hysterical if Lucy snuck in to meet Martha Stewart as a temp, and somehow ended up swinging from the rafters, covered in tinsel?” When we stopped laughing, I wrote a short synopsis of how such a show might have been plotted (See below.) If you can never get enough Lucy, this page is for you! But remember: the following “Lucy” show synopses are totally fake, and were written in the spirit of good humor, which, after all, is what Lucille Ball and her shows were all about. Please do not write asking where you can find these episodes on tape; I repeat, they do not exist. Having said that, sit back, let your imagination run wild, and have a little fun with Lucy and friends in these mock sitcom plot summaries. I wish these had happened; imagine what Lucy could’ve done to domestic diva Martha Stewart, for example (See below.) … but we can dream, right? Enjoy!

“Fred Goes on a Bender, Part 1”
It’s Fred’s birthday and Ricky wants to take him out for drinks and the fights, but once the girls find out about it, Lucy and Ethel decide only a formal dinner will do. Ricky and Fred reluctantly agree, but plan to ditch the girls after they arrive at the restaurant. When Lucy and Ethel leave the table to powder their noses, Ricky tips the waiter (Frank Nelson) to tell them there was an “emergency” at the club, Fred went with Ricky to help out, and they’d be back as soon as possible. Ricky also tells the waiter to “put the girls’ meal on my tab.” Lucy and Ethel swallow the story (at first), and Ricky takes Fred to a nearby bar, where everyone who knows Fred treats him to a birthday beer. In an hour Fred is so plastered he’s screaming for his “lovely wife, Ethel, my little honeybunch.” Ricky realizes it’s time for Fred to go home. Fred reluctantly agrees, after one last trip to the men’s room, but when he doesn’t return in a few minutes, Ricky goes to the bathroom and discovers Fred is missing! Just then, Lucy and Ethel interrupt the birthday revelers, having tipped the waiter themselves to get the truth when the men never returned to dinner. The three run off to find the missing Fred!

“Fred Goes on a Bender, Part 2”
Their search takes them on a madcap tour of the bars/restaurants in Times Square, including Lindy’s, where a vaudeville crony of Fred’s tells them he was there, but just left. In fact, that’s the story they get at every place they stop in. Finally, at a Blarney Stone on East 68th Street, they run into Mrs. Trumbull and Grace Foster, who’ve been looking for them. Fred’s at home, Mrs. Trumbull says. She overheard him on one of the pay phones in the hall calling every bar in the city, instructing his pals to tell anyone looking for him that, “He’s just left.” Ricky, Lucy and Ethel return home to find Fred laughing hysterically in the Mertz’s apartment. “Why, Fred Mertz!” Ethel yells. “I oughta…” “Oh, come on, honeybunch, I was just having some birthday fun!” Ethel rolls her eyes, and says, “Well, Fred, I guess even an old poop like you needs a good time every now and then.” She goes to the kitchen, gets a lemon meringue pie, and creams Fred in the puss, yelling, “Happy Birthday!” The fab four dissolves into laughter.

“Latins in Manhattan!”
Guest stars Jose Ferrer and his wife Rosemary Clooney are staying with Lucy and Ricky in Connecticut, as Ricky and Jose prepare a Latin-flavored musical revue for The Tropicana’s Mother’s Day show. Rosie’s already got a spot in the show singing “Que Sera, Sera,” and Lucy and the Mertzes want in. Ricky is adamant that they cannot be in the show, so they stage a mock revue for Jose in which Lucy plays a Spanish Cinderella, Cenicienta, with Fred (William Frawley) in drag as her money-obsessed stepmother, Madrasta, and Ethel (Vivian Vance) as her fairy godmother, Madrina. Jose thinks it might work, much to Ricky’s chagrin, and he agrees to use them in the revue. Meanwhile, Lucy overhears Ricky and Jose making a date to audition and hire some chorus girls, and mistakenly believes the men are making dates for themselves. Disguised as showgirls, Lucy and Rosie break in on the auditions, and discover the boys were simply interviewing more mature chorines for the special Mother’s Day salute. All is forgiven; the revue goes on as planned, and for the finale, special guest star Cantinflas—lowered from the ceiling in a huge, multicolored balloon, a la his hit movie “Around the World in 80 Days”—leads the cast in a rousing version of “Mama, Yo Quiero.” Cameos by Cesar Romero, Ricardo Montalban, and Fernando Lamas as Tropicana waiters.

“Lucy Becomes a Beverly Hillbilly”
Banker Theodore J. Mooney (Gale Gordon) meets banker Milburn Drysdale (Raymond Bailey) at a convention in Los Angeles. They hit it off, and Drysdale ends up inviting Mooney for a visit. Mooney’s secretary, Lucy Carmichael, tags along, and meets Drysdale’s ultra-efficient secretary, Miss Jane Hathaway (Nancy Kulp). After observing how much Mooney likes the way Miss Hathaway works, Lucy begins to think Mooney is going to replace her. While Mooney and Drysdale attend a seminar, Miss Jane suggests showing Lucy the Clampett mansion. Granny is fascinated with Lucy’s red hair (“That sure ain’t a color that exists in nature!” she guffaws), and ends up serving Lucy some of her special moonshine, White Lightning. Drunk, Lucy confesses that she’s afraid Mooney will fire her after seeing how efficient Miss Jane is. Granny suggests Lucy “muss up” Miss Jane as she enters the kitchen, which Lucy does, resulting in a food fight that ends up in the “cee-ment” pond out back, where Miss Jane de-wigs Lucy (her real hair is exactly the same color underneath)! Jethro is sent in to separate the women, and while he is picking up Miss Jane and lifting her out of the pool, she turns to Lucy, points a thumb at Jethro and says, “My dear, you have nothing to worry about? Why would I want to leave this?”

“Lucy Meets Martha Stewart”
Domestic diva Stewart (playing herself) needs a group of decoys in her office to divert attention from the real thing as she prepares for a traditional Christmas celebration, so she calls Harrison Carter (Gale Gordon), owner of the Unique Employment Agency. Lucy Carter (Lucille Ball) intercepts the call, and immediately offers her services as a decoy. Dressed in a blonde wig and a chef’s outfit, Lucy shows up at Stewart’s downtown offices along with a dozen other “Marthas” and is instructed to wander around looking “official” … but not to bother the real Martha. Lucy immediately gets into trouble shadowing Stewart as she prepares a new recipe for Boston cream pie. Lucy spills a tray of pies on Martha, resulting in a hilarious, messy cream/custard fight as Martha retaliates. A call to the Agency lets Harry in on Lucy’s shenanigans, so he hurries down to Stewart’s office to get Lucy out of there and save his company’s reputation. Entering the huge, open central area in the office he finds Lucy swinging from the rafters, with Martha swinging next to her in hot pursuit, both covered in caramel popcorn garlands. As Martha swings close to the redhead, she says, smiling and shaking a finger, “Lucy, you have some ’splainin’ to do! And some caramel corn to eat!!”

“Lucy Invades Dean Martin’s Privacy”
Hired as interference to keep the public away from Dean Martin, who cherishes his privacy, Lucy is ecstatic following her favorite star wherever he goes. Pretty soon, however, she’s made Martin realize she’s the wrong gal for the job, as she butts in to every aspect of his day, from tucking his napkin in at breakfast (and spilling a bowl of hot oatmeal on his lap in the process) to taking over as his chauffeur (and causing a 20-mile traffic jam on the Pacific Coast Highway). Martin decides to turn the tables on Lucy, and be there at her side whenever she attempts to do anything; this results in a hilarious scene as Dean secretly hides in the women’s dressing room at Saks and pops out in drag while Lucy is trying on an outfit. Ultimately though, it doesn’t work, and Martin, desperate to get rid of Lucy, has his secretary (Doris Singleton) slip Lucy a Mickey by the pool, dump her in a limo, and drop her off at home. His plan backfires as Lucy catches on and switches glasses. Lucy promises to let Dean live his own life, and the episode ends with the two stars singing “That’s Amore,” as Lucy props up a dizzy Dean (whose wife, Jeanne, takes one look at him and shouts, “So, it’s all just an act, eh?!”). Look for a cameo by Frank Sinatra as “Shecky”, the pool boy.


The Lucy Archives, Part II: January-June 2009

01.16.09 Review: Behind the Laughter
What makes us laugh, and why is it so good for us? Lucille Ball, of course, was one of the main sources of laughter during the last century. If timing is everything, Ball had it in spa
I Love Lucy CBS ad 1953des. That said, Lucy had lots of help along the way to becoming our greatest comedian. She had 20 years to perfect her timing in the movies, some it spent learning from legends Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton; she had fabulous writers and behind-the-scenes experts who knew what she could and couldn’t do best, and could direct, film, light, costume and edit her to a fault; and she had actors and fellow laugh-makers like her husband, Desi Arnaz, Vivian Vance, William Frawley, Gale Gordon, Bea Benaderet, Mary Jane Croft, Mary Wickes, Doris Singleton, and so many more whom she kept at her side, performing with her. PBS is making a grand stab at explaining why the top comedians were and are so funny in its six-part hour-long series Make ’Em Laugh, airing January 14, 21, and 28; Lucy & Co. are represented in at least two episodes: episode two, which aired January 14 at 9 p.m.: “Honey, I’m Home! — Breadwinners and Homemakers,” about the genesis and growth of the sitcom; and episode three, airing January 21 at 8 p.m.: “Slip on a Banana Peel: The Knockabouts,” about slapstick comedy, of course. 
“Honey, I’m Home!” was an okay hour focusing really on just five or six sitcoms. It started with a neat digital tribute to I Love Lucy: host Billy Crystal “walked into” the Ricardo’s living room, “standing” between the Mertzes and the Ricardos, noting the popularity of I Love Lucy and how Desi Arnaz created the modern sitcom we know today. It was followed 
by 52 minutes of so-called “experts” expounding on the best of the bunch, including six-minute segments on The Goldbergs; I Love Lucy; The Simpsons (did you know cartoonist Matt Groening created Bart as a “What if Leave It To Beaver‘s snarky Eddie Haskell had a son”?), Norman Lear’s groundbreaking All in the Family, and Seinfeld. Though the show was good as far as it went, there were two glaring errors:
— An unforgiveable factual error had narrator Amy Sedaris stating that I Love Lucy ran for five years, when, in fact, it ran for six. For four of those six years it was the No. 1 show, a feat surpassed only by All in the Family; and
— Many of the most popular sitcoms of the 1950s and 1960s were dismissed with a mere mention or photos during the intro. Which is the problem with these types of retrospectives: there’s never enough time to include everyone that needs to be included. That makes us Lucy lovers lucky she’s so important to TV history — there’s never a doubt Ball and her classic co-stars will be included in such roundups.

01.26.09 File in the “You Never Know Where Lucy Will Pop Up” category…. The other night, across the street from my apt., was a group of trailers from a movie being shot in the citluci-and-desi-trailers.pngy (we see them all the time in New York). As I walked past the first one, there were two doors on it facing the sidewalk. On one was a sign that read “LUCY,” and on the other door a sign that read “DESI.” I smiled, thinking, “What’s up with this? Is there actually a movie being shot about them that I hadn’t heard of?” (Didn’t think so.) “Perhaps that’s a film set tradition, or a recent one, so that people won’t know who the real stars are?” (A bit more plausible.) Or maybe just this particular filmmaker’s idea of something cute. Or perhaps a classy way to disguise where the crew bathrooms are kept during the shoot. (Bingo! Do I have to tell you which is for men and which for women?!) Of course, Lucy and Desi did make the film The Long, Long Trailer, so in that sense it’s ironic/cute/funny that someone put their names on…a trailer.The real point is, as I passed it, it made me smile — and that’s what Lucy and Desi have been doing for more than 67 years.

02.18.09 One of my other fchiselers-flyer.jpgavorite redheads — actress, photographer and all-around great dame Marie Wallace (Dark Shadows, Somerset, Gypsy and Nobody Loves an Albatross—which featured a character based on Lucille Ball, and which you can only read about in my book, Lucy A to Z— are just few of her showbiz credits), [was] starring in an off-Broadway play called The Chiselers (that’s Marie second from far left in pic, next to hunky Nick Matthews). The (then-)new comedy/mystery ran Feb. 26-March 7, 2009, on Thurs., Fri., and Sat. at 9:30 p.m., at the TADA! Theatre, 15 West 28th St, 2nd Floor, between Broadway and Fifth Avenue. Tickets were $18 (seniors, $10) and reservations were recommended. Break a leg, sweetie! [For the record, she was a total riot, as was the entire cast.]

03.04.09 Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett (below) had one of show-biz’s most enduring mutual admiration societies. Lucy caught Burnett in her star-making performance in the musical Once Upon a Mattress, and went backstage to let Burnett know how much Ball loved her. Lucy called Carol “kid,” and told Burnett “Call on me if you ever need me.” Which Burnett proceeded to do for her first CBS special, Carol + 2 (also with Zero Mostel) and many times more through the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s. Likewise, Ball had Burnett guest-star on The Lucy Show four times and twice on Here’s Lucy. Burnett was there to induct Lucy into the TV Hall of Fame, and Lucy sent flowers to Burnett every year on her birthday. In the 2008 PBS seriesLucyCarol, Pioneers of Television: Variety, Jim Nabors, a friend of both women, told this anecdote: “I was sitting with Lucy one night, and we were watching Carol do a sketch…. Lucy was very much an analyst, and she said, ‘The kid’s the best there is.’ [laughs] And I said, ‘Well, you did pretty good yourself!’ And Lucy says, ‘No, I’m different, I’m different.’ And she was talking about her comedy. But she did say she thought Carol was the best sketch artist that had ever come down the pike — or ever would.”

04.25.09 Television and the theater world lost one of its greats today; Bea Arthur passed away at the age of 86. Arthur began her more than 50-year career on stage, found fame there (and a Tony award as Best Featured Actress in a Musical for Mame in 1966; she was also the original Yente the Matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof), but grew larger-than-life Bea-Arthur-Lucille-Ball-1974on the small screen. First Arthur was the indomitable, wisecracking Maude (1972-’78, 1977 Emmy Award as Best Actress in a Comedy), then she portrayed indomitable, wisecracking Dorothy on The Golden Girls (1985-1992, winning another Emmy as Best Actress in a Comedy in 1988). Though some might argue she played a variation of her Tony-winning role, Vera Charles, forever after — and she repeated the role in Lucille Ball’s film of Mame in 1974, above — it was simpler than that: she was a smart, intelligent comic and dramatic actress, who had her audience in the palm of her hand, and also possessed razor-sharp timing that rivaled Jack Benny’s. Arthur last appeared on Broadway in 2002, when she took her popular one-woman show to the Great White Way for several months. She was inducted into the Television Hall of Fame late last year, and in 1986 was one of those who saluted Lucy on stage when Ball received the Kennedy Center Honor in Washington, D.C. Of Lucy and the much-maligned Mame, Arthur noted in 2002 that, “Lucy was a brilliant, brilliant clown, but she was … miscast. But we would never have gotten the money for the production if she hadn’t wanted to do it. Lucy was lovely [to work with]. She was really the reason I did it; she insisted I do it.” Her fellow Golden Girl Betty White was quoted, after Arthur’s death, as saying, “Bea was such an important part of a very happy time in my life and I have dearly loved her for a very long time. How lucky I was to know her.” How lucky we all were to have been blessed with the much-needed laughter Arthur gave us.

Desi Jr05.07.09 A Sitcomboy Website Exclusive! In honor of the upcoming Jamestown Lucy-Desi Days Festival, held over Memorial Day Weekend, I thought I’d post an exclusive photo that hasn’t been seen in over 20 years. In 1988, my friend Craig Hamrick was attending college in Kansas, and Desi Arnaz Jr. was a spokesperson for a group called Success Without Stress. He visited Craig’s college, and Craig, a reporter for the campus paper, did an interview with him, and took this shot. The most memorable thing about the interview, Craig later told me, was how upset Arnaz got when a young female reporter asked him how it felt “to be Little Ricky” on I Love Lucy. Of course, Arnaz was not Little Ricky (that part was played by Keith Thibodeaux, who is a guest at this year’s Lucy-Desi Days) and was a bit, shall we say, angered at constantly being asked that question. The full story is in my book, Lucy A to Z: The Lucille Ball Encyclopedia. Craig, who was my best friend, died of cancer in 2006, but in addition being a great writer and author, he was a fab photographer, as you can see. So enjoy this rare picture of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz’s real son, not Little Ricky. Nor did he ever play Little Ricky. I hope we’re clear on that. 😉

Lucy Wildcat Hirschfeld06.08.09 Almost 50 [now 60!] years ago (1960), Lucille Ball divorced Desi Arnaz, packed up her kids and belongings, and moved to New York to appear on Broadway in Wildcat. Although critics were harsh to the show itself, they liked the music (by Cy Coleman and Carolyn Leigh), and, as usual, loved Lucy in the role of tomboy-ish Wildcat “Wildy” Jackson (drawn by Al Hirschfeld at left). She played a wildcatter (what else with that name?) out to strike it rich. The play was an immediate hit thanks to Lucy’s presence in it, and featured a chorus girl named Valerie Harper in an early role, plus Paula Stewart as Wildy’s sister. Unfortunately, Ball hadn’t reckoned on the strength it took to power a Broadway hit eight times a week, and she fell ill, physically and emotionally exhausted from the demands of the show and her divorce. On May 24, 1961, following a two-week Florida vacation that didn’t take, Ball gave her final performance and the show closed soon after. Fortunately, there’s the original cast recording to enjoy, and Web surfers can find Ball and Stewart performing the show’s hit song, “Hey, Look me Over” in a fabulous clip from The Ed Sullivan Show on Google video. Ball and Stewart became friends; she introduced Lucy to her second husband, Gary Morton, and, after leaving show-biz and becoming an interior designer, created Lucy’s New York apartment in the 1980s (Lucy wanted to have a place to stay when she visited her grandchildren on the East Coast).

The Television Series of Lucille Ball, #3: The Lucy Show


Animated color credit sequence from The Lucy Show, featuring Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance.

The Lucy Show
Aired: 1962-1968
Lucille Ball as Lucy Carmichael
Vivian Vance as Vivian Bagley
Candy Moore as Chris Carmichael
Jimmy Garrett as Jerry Carmichael
Ralph Hart as Sherman Bagley
Gale Gordon as Theodore J. Mooney

In order to make ends meet, widow Lucy Carmichael (Ball) and divorced Vivian Bagley (Vance) share a house together with their kids in Danfield, Connecticut. Wackiness ensues.

Caricature by George Wachsteter used by CBS to promote its new hit, The Lucy Show, starring Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance.

Caricature by George Wachsteter for CBS’s 1962 hit, The Lucy Show, starring Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance.

Lucy returned to TV after a Broadway break (she starred in the musical Wildcat in 1960-1961, until exhaustion forced her out of the show). The Lucy Show was an immediate hit out of the gate, proving that audiences still loved her, even without a Ricky/Desi figure to rein her in. The situation was helped by having Lucy’s friend and comedy partner (and the erstwhile Ethel Mertz), the inestimable Vivian Vance, playing opposite Lucy.

Vivian (who’d had plastic surgery in between I Love Lucy and this series) looked dynamite, and insisted in her contract that her character be called “Vivian,” to help the audience forget her as Ethel. She portrayed the first divorced woman who was a regular character on a prime time series.

Based on the book Life Without George, and featuring three very likable kids—not cookie-cutter TV offspring—as the girls’ children, The Lucy Show was a delight, especially as it found its footing in the first two seasons, which were filmed in black-and-white. Audiences clearly adored Ball and Vance as a team, and when the two of them worked their magic—on stilts, installing a TV antenna, trying to fix a broken shower and nearly drowning, clowning on an electric mattress—the result was classic TV comedy.

The addition of Ball’s longtime co-star Gale Gordon as the blustery (what else?) president of Lucy’s bank in Season Two (replacing character actor Charles Lane from the first season) signaled a change in the direction of the show, and not necessarily a good one. The interplay between Lucy and Mooney (I always thought he barely acknowledged Vance’s character on the show) was fun shtick, to a point. But as the series ran on, and especially after Vance departed (she left after the third season, tired of her weekly East-West Coast commute), the Lucy/Mooney stuff became increasingly irritating and repetitive.


Vivian Vance and Lucille Ball: close friends, longtime co-stars and television’s favorite comedy team .

The show seemed to lose its heart with Vance’s departure in 1965. Lucy relied on guest stars for the remainder of the show’s long run (until 1968) to fill Vance’s place, but no one could. Pal Ann Sothern stepped up to the plate for a half-dozen or so episodes, as a dissolute “Countess” who needed money, and she worked well with Lucy…but she was not Vivian. The success of any particular episode began to depend on how much viewers enjoyed the guest star of the week, and how well he/she fit in to the “Lucy” format.

As an example, when the guest was legend Jack Benny, as in the season six episode “Lucy Gets Jack Benny’s Account,” and the plot involved Lucy scheming to get his bank account moved to Mooney’s bank by building Benny a break-in-proof vault, the results were fine, clever and satisfying. But they were more often misfires.

Still, the audiences were far from tired of Lucy, and kept the show in the Top Ten for all six of its seasons. In fact, in its final season, 1967-1968, The Lucy Show exited as the Number Two show on TV.

Lucy had an end-of-season tradition: saying she wasn’t sure if she was coming back the following season. She always re-upped, but usually only after CBS came to the party with more money and steadfastly assured our favorite redhead how important she was to the network’s schedule (which, in fact, she was…for quarter of a century).

Ball might have had more incentive than usual to end The Lucy Show. It had begun life in 1962 as a Desilu production, and remained one. Since Lucy had sold her (and ex-husband Desi’s) company to Paramount in 1967, she no got profits from the show as an owner. By ending it and creating Here’s Lucy (coming soon) under her own banner, Lucille Ball Productions, at Paramount, the ball (pun intended) was squarely back in her court.